One day, I was sitting down with one of my friends. ‘I hate my life,’ he said in sad tone of voice.
“You know, I even hate life, why am I living, I’m such a loser who does nothing but sleep and eat.” He stated that and started comparing himself to a pan saying that it’s better than him.
I wasn’t better than him back then. Maybe Not even better than that pan as well. I hated my life also, even though I had different ways to describe it “my life sucks.” However, it’s still a form of hatred towards life in general and towards mine specifically.
What I’ve learned is that there are stages of hatred towards one’s life.
It starts with “life sucks”, and it can reach a dangerous point where you not only hate your life, but that along with suicidal thoughts, or at least self-destructive behaviors (such as cutting or addictions/bad habits).
Since you’re reading this, then most probably you’re in one of these stages. You hate your life. I don’t care how little or how big, that’s something that you need to start taking seriously.
And let me guess. The reason why you hate your life is simply because it sucks! But why it sucks? Maybe you feel like a total loser compared to those around you. Maybe you feel like won’t ever be able to be happy, loved or whatever you want to be (you believe that your goals/needs are unreachable).
Or maybe worse than that; you’ve been through painful and so-seemed unfair situations (loss of a loved one, dysfunctional childhood, bullying …etc).
Maybe a combination of all the above.
All of us have been through at least one of these situations in our lives. They do suck, and they can make the journey of life look very dark and hopeless.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. You don’t have to live a life that you hate. You don’t have to sleep-walking through life, living way under your true potential.
This article is here to tell you that there’s a better way somehow.
I won’t tell you that I’m going to make you love your life, you won’t believe that anyway.
At least, you’re going to understand why you hate your life and what to do about it. And if you’re willing to learn this and do what it takes, I’m willing to tell you that you can be in a better place.
OK, at least not hating every breath that is coming in and out, and doing something useful with this life that you have. That’s a better place.
Now, let’s start this article by clearing up some facts first. Some hard and ugly facts. Facts that are going to lay the foundation of how to stop hating your life and start using it for a greater purpose than comparing yourself to a pan.
Life is hard!
To tell you that life is beautiful or that you just need to change the way you look at it isn’t very true. It’s misleading often. Life is not easy, we all know that.
Go and tell someone who had just lost all his money, or lost a loved one (god forbids), that life is beautiful and colorful and that he just can’t see the freaking bright side!!
Most probably you would get a punch on your face if you did that.
Life is hard and this shouldn’t surprise you. Change is hard, and it can get very painful at times. It’s not a walk in the park neither it’s a comfortable journey. Understanding this fact is very critical.
Now, we humans don’t really like hard things. We prefer easy and fun things. So it makes sense to hate our lives when it gets really hard.
When our lives go wrong, and when we get knocked down, when we get confused, when we lose some battles here and there, when we face rejections, when we fail after putting our 110% and when bad things generally happen to us, it’s just life being itself.
And it’s totally understandable to hate your life during those moments. But what’s not acceptable is to stop right there and hate your life because it’s hard!
Yes it’s hard. It’s a battle, and you either fight or hide.
This is why I hate my life
Let me tell you, without any further introduction, what makes a person hates his life or what can make someone’s life very miserable.
We humans have something that’s called “rules”. And generally those rules govern our emotions and our perception of the world. In other words, we feel sad, disappointed, frustrated, happy, excited or satisfied based on these rules.
They’re like our expectations, or how we want things to be. If there’s a mismatch between these rules and our reality, dissatisfaction will happen.
Have you ever asked yourself why some people feel successful when they make 1000$ and other people feel like losers even though they’re making 10,000$?
Why do celebrities and people who are supposed to have it all become miserable and depressed, and sometimes suicide?
It’s because of the rules.
Simply, it looks like this:
X + Y + Z = a happy life that I like.
For many people, those X, Y and Z are extremely difficult to meet, or set in an unrealistic time frame or expectations (especially in these times as a result of being able to compare your life to other people’s lives easily).
And whenever those X, Y and Z aren’t met, or at least when you lose hope in meeting them, the equation won’t be right and you won’t feel good.
(And if they’re already too difficult to meet, it only make things worse)
To illustrate this, let me give you examples of X, Y and Z:
- I must be successful, and success to me means: outperforming everyone else in this world and making more money than all people in my industry.
- I should be successful, and success means to me that I’m confident and social, but I feel like I would never be able to be that way.
- I must look a certain way (including factors that are out of your control).
- I should live in a certain place.
And those rules aren’t necessarily bad, sometimes they’re actually good and they’re the only things that can make you happy.
However, if you hate your life then know that it’s because you have rules and your life doesn’t play the game with your rules. Period!
So what’s the solution?
You have 2 kinds of rules:
- Good rules that you want to keep (maybe adjust a little bit sometimes).
- Bad rules that you need to immediately get rid of.
All you need to do is to figure out your rules and then weed them out. Keep the good ones (maybe adjust the extreme ones a little bit), and get rid of the bad ones immediately.
But how do you do that?
Let me give you a simple rule that you need to follow in order to determinate whether a rule is good or bad:
If the rule aligns with your values, it’s a good one that you want to keep (maybe adjust a little bit). If not, get rid of it.
Some may ask: what the hell are values?
That’s what we’re going to discuss in the rest of this article. I’ve written an in-depth article about values before, so I’m going to explain very quickly and leave a link for that article.
After that you should be able to know which rules are making you feel bad about yourself and your life (a.k.a why you hate your life), whether those rules are good or bad, and how to have a healthy set of rules that will make you love your life.
What do you want the most
Your values are the things that you want the most.
They’re emotional states that you want to get and sustain in your life.
We all have a different set of values, in different orders. To be happy with your life, you must align your life with your own values. Whenever you feel miserable know that your values aren’t met.
And here’s the thing, the rules that we talked about above come from the values in the first place.
Values, at a deeper level, are nothing but unconscious needs that we ended up developing as a result of going through certain life experiences (See: Why You Are Who You Are Today (Psychological Explanation) ).
I’ve already written an article about values, it’s a must-read if you’re reading this article (check the link). Here let’s see a quick example of how values can drive you and make you hate or love your life.
If someone has the next values in this order:
Now, this person values success, however he values freedom more than success. So, if this person has a job that is sucking his freedom, he’s not going to be happy with his life no matter how much successful he is.
And if he’s in a relationship with a woman who really loves him, and he does love her back so much, but that relationship is taking his freedom and damaging his success somehow, he’s going to hate his life or at least be miserable.
But still, there’s another factor, and that is the rules that we talked about. What is their role here?
Simply, they define the value itself. Two people can value freedom, but what does freedom mean to each one of them is different. Two people can values love the same much, but what has to happen in order for them to feel loved is different.
Are you starting to see the pattern?
Many people when they tell those around them that they hate their life, the smart ones tell them to change their job, try something new and basically eliminate all the joy-sucking sources in their lives and find other joy, and fulfillment, sources.
And that is correct to some extent. Because when they do that, chances are they’re going to meet some of their values and rules without they even know it.
The only problem is that without knowing your values, you can never know what are the things that will make you happy.
I could’ve started this article by telling you to just leave the job that you hate or something like that. But every situation is different. By understanding the concept of values and rules, you can tell by your own what you need to do in order to stop hating your life and start living, and enjoying, it.
Putting all this together
If you hate your life, it’s simply because your life doesn’t match your rules and values. Whatever the situation that you are in right now, this is the root and main reason.
And to solve it, we need to work there. Let’s put all this into one piece of advice that you can easily follow.
First of all, do you really realize that 1) Life is hard. 2) The only way to stop saying ‘I hate my life’ is to be willing to put in some work to fix it.
You got that handled?
Great! Let’s now move on, follow these steps:
1.Define your rules:
Ask yourself: what does has to happen in order for you to be happy? And forget about all the limitations and short-comings. You just want to figure out the rules.
2.Define your values:
Fulfilling your values is probably the only thing that will make you happy. And sure they’re different for everybody. Read the article about the values plus the headline above.
3.Weed out your rules:
By now, you know your rules and values. Any rules that doesn’t align with your values must go straight to the toilet. The rules that align with your values must be your goals in life from now on, fulfill them and you’re going to arrive at the land of happiness.
Just note that sometimes you can have rules that are too extreme but still align with your values. Read this article to learn how to deal with them.
4.Your values are your priorities from now on:
They’re your goals, grind to reach them. Remember that you must be willing to put in some effort for things to change.
5.There’s a bright side:
Trust me, i don’t care how much you hate your life, there’s a better place for you out there. There’s a purpose behind your existence. You can’t waste time hating this life, you gotta move and do something with it.
Last words: it’s not a bad thing!
When you find yourself in a position where you hate your life, don’t start beating yourself up. It can actually be a good thing.
Dissatisfaction is an emotion that can ruin your life completely. But it also can be the one emotion that leads you to turn everything around.
In other words, you can use this dissatisfaction to turn your life around, you can use this hatred to change things.
Look at the most successful people around the world, you’ll find that dissatisfaction, sickness and desperation are what drove them to be who they are today.
Pain is the greatest motivator, use this pain to drive you instead of paralyzing you. You can do great things, I believe everybody can do great things. The only ones who never manage to do great things are those who become helpless, hopeless, wish they were dead and just give up on themselves and lose hope. Don’t be one of those.
Was that helpful? You can also read:
- 5 Psychological Forces to Turn Your Life Around
- I Feel Nothing: How to Beat Emotional Numbness
- How to Get Your Shit Together: 7 Proven Steps
- How to Be Confident: 25 Professional Tips That Really work